Some 20 years ago, I started writing a book titled The Big Book of Atlantian Rapier. The idea was to print an actual book and sell it. The book was to be made up of humorous articles about rapier in the SCA, with a total bias towards Atlantian rapier (’cause it’s the best). I figured in a few months time I’d have it done and the bucks would start rolling in. I later evolved my thinking to making it an ebook that I would sell online and the bucks would start electronically rolling in. Clearly, none of this ever happened. I have decided that, now that I have a blog, I’ll publish it here. Somehow, I still believe the bucks will start rolling in.
The articles were obviously written from an Atlantian viewpoint; it used popular tropes and slang of the day, and made reference to then-popular shows and Kingdom in-jokes. Some of it will be funny to all, some to only a few, and some won’t find it funny at all (and ya’ll can go screw yourselves). I post chapters periodically under this category. I hope you enjoy it.
ATLANTIAN RULES OF RAPIER MELEE COMBAT
- You are not Cappo Ferro. You are not even Agrippa.
- Never team up with anyone braver than you.
- Three-man units are triads; two-man units are teams; one-man units are lunch.
- No plan survives first contact with the enemy.
- Never take a chance you don’t have to.
- The careful application of terror is a form of communication.
- If the enemy is in range, so are you.
- If your plan is going really well, it’s an ambush.
- If you’re dead, you can’t protect your team mates.
- The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
- Hand-picks are your friends.
- Anything you do can get you killed, including doing nothing.
- The important things are always simple.
- The simple things are always hard.
- The hard things can always be parried with.
- Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
- If it’s stupid, but it works, it’s not stupid.
- Your kills are less important than your team’s wins.
- Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
- This is as bad as it can get, but don’t bet on it.
- When you have secured an area, don’t forget to tell the enemy.
- When both sides are convinced they are about to lose, they’re both right.
- Never wrestle with a pig: you both get dirty, and the pig likes it.
- This is a melee; there is no single combat.
- There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
- The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
- Your mind is your primary weapon.
- Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
- Always remember: You are Atlantian!