[Edited for dumb-ass mistake. Thanks, Connor.]
I write to you today knowing that this audience contains some of the most important SCAdians that ever drew breath. Kings and Queens, Princes and Princeses, Dukes and Duchesses, Counts and Countesses, Earls and Earleens. Peers of every flavor. You are the SCA’s Mt Olympus; you are historical re-enactment hot-shots and this hoi-poloi wishes to hobnob.
I am compelled to write of a great danger. And I do bear testimony and other legal words to this problem. In short, there are too many damn “A” kingdoms in the SCA.
So far, we have:
Atenveldt, and , of course,
And don’t even get me started on baronies, shires, cantons, ridings, colleges, marches, swamps, knotholes and all the other sub-groups out there.
Uh oh, too late:
Abhainn Chiach Ghlais
Ad Flumen Caerulum
An Dun Theine
and probably 10 others since I started writing this thing.
(I left out the ones that had Caer, Old, Dun and similar words before an “A” word. I figured they would object to the shortening of their name. After all, if you took the “Loch” off my old home groups’ name, you’d be left with “mere” and then I’d have to hurt you real bad. Like getting AoD on yo’ ass.)
People, please! Stop the Madness! Quiesco insania!
This is a terrible situation, for a number of reasons:
1. For a group that prides itself on being intelligent and creative, this isn’t evidence of either. We seem to be stuck on the simplest letter of this or any alphabet. Not really a good sign of free-ranging thought, almost like we’re afraid to try other letters. What are we, free-ranging chicken? (sorry, couldn’t resist)
2. Like many of its members, the Society is only 40-something years old. I know, because hear people say that all the time: “I’m 40-something. Yeah, well screw you, it’s none of your damn business”. As young as we are, maybe we’re only now exhausting the “A”’s. This obsession with the letter “A” could be just the beginning. Maybe we’ll move on to the next letters, naming kingdoms stuff like Balneator, Baro, Ba-ba-ba-babaBaranus, Bob (hmmm…nah), and other words as well. From there to the “C”s and then to “D” and where does it all end? Oh, yeah, “Z“. But you get my point.
3. Until we put an end to this, we will continue to experience the tragedy of lost souls, wandering through Pennsic, hopelessly searching for their camp, armed only with the knowledge it begins with an “A” (truth be told, that’s why retainers wear heraldry, so they can be returned to their proper place).
In order to begin addressing this terrible situation, I’m proposing that Atlantia take the lead. This is in keeping with our ancient tradition of being at the forefront on matters of Society concern. Atlantia, birthplace of such noble institutions as Whack-A-Herald, Dukes or better to open, and armor-optional spear fighting. If there is to be any sanity brought to this issue, considering the others involved, Atlantia must bring it.
I propose we change our name.
Now, hear me out! I’m not suggesting we do away with our kingdom name entirely. We should hold on to as many of our traditions as possible. I am suggesting we simply add a letter (or two, or so) to our name.
Catlantia — ever notice how many of us own cats, or enjoy them as snacks? Cats are a cherished part of many groups and an ever-present part of most group meetings.
Fatlantia – well, we are part of the SCA. Maybe it will provide the impetus some of us need to put down that Triple ThickBurger (supersized) and do something, like go to fighter practice. An alternative to this one would be Phatlantia, sounding the same, but meaning something completely different.
Batlantia – fear us! We rule the night! And imagine the blazon: Per pale argent and azure, on a fess wavy cotised counterchanged a big friggin’ bat sable with beady little eyes gules. Bitchin’.
Ratlantia – see above, only We rule the sewers! Hmmm… okay, make that the underworld.
Mattlantia – Kynny came up with this one, but I don’t give it much hope. I guess his ass had better win Crown.
Hatlantia – we just need to get more folks into stylish period chapeaus and then mandate them in Kingdom law. Ummm…sumptuary laws.
Vatlantia – the Kingdom of Ale. No, damn, another “A”. Make that the Kingdom of Beer. (Note: Brits will get really confused with this one and think we’re the kingdom of high taxes)
Gatlantia – but only if we all went really late period and started carrying guns.
Combatlantia – truth in advertising.
Wombatlantia – I got nuthin’.
Bureaucratlantia – ’cause it’s not about the fighting, it’s about the rules.
Okay, okay. You’re right, it just doesn’t work. We are Atlantia and should always be. Still, faced with the “A” obsession, I think we should do something. So let’s keep the name and just changed the spelling: