RAPIER CLASSIFIEDS

[Note: this is the last of the original BBAR posts. Some of the items will be unknown to rapier fighters authorized after the ’90’s. I’d tell you to Google them, but even Google knows not these things. You’ll have to find an old Atlantian Provost and make them explain. Be prepared to listen to loooong boring stories. Also, bring alcohol.]

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FOR SALE – foil, modern spring steel, graceful “C” curve, colorful safety tip device, proven rectangular cross-section construction, total protection hand guard, exotic pinewood grip, stout chrome pommel, too many features to list. $150/obo.
Edmundo Box 163
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Lost – at Pennsic XXXXII, protective cup, very distinctive gray color, need desperately.
Susan Box 179
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SWM – rapier in hand, looking for that certain someone. Be the oasis in my desert of despair.
Nils Box 54
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Looking to get rid of those old down-checked blades? Earn $$$! Sell them to us!
Saf-T Products Box 170
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Flexi-Dagger Blades – most barely used. Only $29.95! Amazing!
Saf-T-Products Box 170
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MORGANA – You were magnificent last night. Your finta in tempo to my thrust was magical. The remise was poetic; the redoublement sinful. I’ll never beat seconde again.
Jean-Louis Box 346
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The Trayned Bandes of London are looking for a few good men and even better women. Learn to handle the Big Pike . Discover the joys of fine English wool in summer. Be a camp follower. Develop a taste for eel. Join now. Authenticity a plus, but not essential.
Geoffrey Box 1599
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Support Group – I am attempting to form a support group for other Pict/Celt rapier fighters with Viking personas. Together we can achieve the recognition we deserve.
Thornwald O’Malleysson Box 27
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Beer-stein cup hilts, $25. Flask pommels, $15. Cool plastic-mesh armor, $65. 25 ga. helms $75. Slick leather-soled boots, $10. Many other fine rapier items.
Saf-T Products Box 170
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Guards Needed – Certain unnamed Monarchs of a certain unnamed western kingdom are in need of a guard unit. Ability to attend court and remain alert/awake necessary. Confidentiality assured. GOA guaranteed upon successful completion of reign.
TRM Box 578
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SWCF – is there a fighter out there who’s not afraid to commit? Looking for S/D/MM who can seize upon an opening and land that thrust. Send picture, and describe armor.
Gwyynth Box 68
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Adrift in a sea of ever-changing loyalties? Do you find yourself questioning the aspirations espoused by shallow purveyors of nationalism? Has the totality of your existence become a meaningless progress from one tribunal to the next? Ever feel like hitting someone? Maybe you’re ready for the Tuchux experience.
Oog Box 3
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Fantasy Armor! Magic swords, spandex tights, chainmail. Elf ears and fangs! Complete your Dagohir/SCA outfit now!
Saf-T-Products Box 170
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Barley Soup recipes, $15.
Grace Box 408
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FOR SALE – rare collection of steins, mugs, cups, wine glasses, beads. Make great tourney prizes. $100 takes it all.
Gerlach Box 146
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Rapier Babes – hot and ready for you! Live, uncensored and armored! Kinky, nasty, and polished! All major credit cards accepted!
Fred Box 6969
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Got any old cups? Football, karate, any style. Will pay top dollar.
Saf-T Products Box 170
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FOR SALE – Two-inch Bend Ruler. Never used. $125/obo.
Robert Box 604
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Authentic golf-cart sword carriers, similar to ones in the Museum of London. Choice of colors. Special 40″ model available. Hurry while supplies last!
Saf-T Products Box 170
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FOR SALE – indefensible attack, used once. $28.75/obo.
Giacomo Box 461
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Protective Cups all styles. New! Many with coins already in place.
Saf-T-Products Box 170
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DWCCHDM – looking for that certain someone, any age/height/weight, but prefer MRSGYNF.
Count Earl Box 224
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Ve are Bjorg. You vill be assimilated. Resistance is fewtile.
Sven of Nine Box 7o’9
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Rapier fighters are from Mars, Fencers are from Venus

Okay, this one needs an emphasized disclaimer. While it may appear in The Big Book of Atlantian Rapier, it is solely my own work. The opinions expressed here are mine, mine, mine. Alone. No other person in the Kingdom is responsible, nor was involved in its creation. The use of any names is nothing more than a product of my over-active imagination. So ignore Kynny.

Any relationship to Atlantians, living, dead, undead, inactive — particularly the inactive ones, they’re the most dangerous, as in “poke it with a stick and see if it’s really dead….AAAH! FUCK!” kind of dangerous — is purely co-incidental. Don’t make me come up there and/or turn this car around. You’ve been warned. Get off my lawn.
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There is within the SCA rapier community (sorry, Alan, there just still isn’t a better term) a difference of philosophy as to the purpose of rapier fighting. At its most basic, there is the “sport” camp,

"I am much more poofta than you"
“I am WAY more poofta than you.”

and there is the “combat” camp.
okay it's a dagger, but still...
Big baby; you still have another eye.

Each have their proponents and detractors. However, given that a “sport” fencer almost got Atlantian rapier killed off in its crib, all while getting himself banished, AND that we were saved by a new “combat” mentality among the early leaders of the game, many Atlantians, I included, are solidly in the “combat” camp.

This does not mean we don’t respect the “sport” camp; we don’t, but it isn’t because of that. It’s because fencing isn’t period, isn’t realistic, and generally isn’t fun; at least not as much fun as symbolically killing your friends, family, close associates and bystanders.

different culture, different armor standards, still rapier
Different culture, different armor standards, still rapier.

This difference between the two can be compared to that between the sexes. Much has been made about the differences between men and women, there was even a book or two-thousand written about it. In keeping with my desire to labor as little as possible, I just stole from them.

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Observe this interaction between a rapier fighter we’ll call “Kynny”, and a fencer we’ll call “douchebag”:

Kynny: Rapier fighters get our sense of self from achievement. We tend to be task-oriented, and being self-reliant is very important to us. You put those two together, and you get people who hate to ask for directions , hate to ask for help, pretty much just plain hate. I’ll wander in a store for 15 minutes trying to find something to destroy. For us, asking for another’s opinion is an admission that we’re wussies.
Douchebag: Fencers get our sense of self from relationships. Where rapier fighters are task-oriented, we are relational-oriented. Our connections to other people are the most important thing to us. Instead of going after prizes, we tend to enjoy the connectedness to other people, especially other fencers. For us, both asking about rules and offering to help write rules is a compliment; we’re saying, “Let me build a bridge between us. I value you, and it’ll bind us. Nice outfit.”

Kynny: Rapier fighters usually focus on a goal. We want to get to the bottom line, to the end of something, usually our opponent. And their family.
Douchebag: But fencers tend to enjoy the process. Not that reaching a goal isn’t important, but we like getting there too. That’s why melees are so very different for rapier fighters and fencers; the rapier fighters want to get to their destinations and beat the living shit out of someone, and we sort of treasure the time to talk and look and maybe discuss conventions of the list along the way!

Kynny: Rapier fighters are often more logical and analytical than fencers. Like the Bard said, “the quickest way to a man’s heart is thru his chest”. Well, some Bard said it.
Douchebag: And we tend to be more intuitive than rapier fighters. This isn’t some sort of mystic claim; there was a study at Stanford University that discovered that fencers catch subliminal messages faster and more accurately than rapier fighters. Rapier fighters catch beefs from marshals, who are usually fencers and also heralds.

Kynny: This difference is evident in brain activity. Rapier fighters have some; fencers don’t.
Douchebag: Huh?

Kynny: Rapier fighters are action-oriented. When we feel hostile, our first instinct is to release it physically. And when we’re upset, the way for us to feel better is to actively smite your fucking ass.
Douchebag: Fencers are verbal. They want to discuss every exchange, did you feel that, was it tippy…
Kynny: …blahblahblah until you just want to smack them.

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Compare and Contrast

We (rapier fighters) said – They (fencers) said

We – this is a combat sport
They – No one should get hurt

We – attitude helps you get into the killing mode
They – No one should even THINK about hurting someone

They – This is supposed to be fun
We – I have the best fun when I’m killing you

They – fencing is an art
We – fuck you
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Of course, within the SCA, we don’t want anyone injured. But even sports involve hurts and boo-boo’s. Trying to avoid them at all costs just cheapens what we’re trying to do here.

So just remember: when re-creating a combat form that got turned into a pansy-assed Olympic after thought, go to the original and work backwards until you’re pretty sure nobody will actually die. Then, stop; you are done.

"Hallo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You almost killed my dream. Prepare to yield."
“Hallo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You almost killed my dream. Prepare to yield.”

The MoD’s

[It’s all Wistric’s fault]

photo by Sunneva de Cleia
photo by Sunneva de Cleia

THE MoD’S

    (Here come the men in black)
    It’s the MoD’s, uh, here come the MoD’s
    Here come the men in black (men in black)
    They make sure you remember

    Nah nah nah
    Poofy guys dress in black, remember that
    Just in case you ever corps-a-corps and make contact
    The title held by thee, MoD
    Means what you think you saw, you did not see
    So don’t blink or that sword is now gone
    The black suits with the big ruff on

    Walk in shadow, move in silence
    Guard against intra-kingdom violence
    Swords zoom, on the impending doom
    But then like boom black suits fill the room up
    Saw somethin’ strange, watch your back (Ooh, ooh)
    ‘Cause you never quite know where the MoD’s at

    Uh, eh
    Here come the men in black, men in black
    Society defenders (Oho oho oho)
    Here come the men in black, men in black
    They make suret you remember (Won’t let you remember)

    Ain’t no MoD’s, can I please?

    Do what we say, that’s the way we kick it
    D’ya know what I mean (Hmm, hmm)
    I see my noisy Wistric get wicked on ya
    We’re your first, last and only line of defense
    Against the worst scum on the field of fence

    So don’t fear us, cheer us
    If you ever get near us, don’t jeer us, just beer us
    MoD’s freezin’ up all the flack (What’s that stand for?)
    Men in black

    The Men in black (Uh, eh)
    The Men in black (Uh, eh)
    Let me see ya just parry with me
    Just parry with me (parry with me)
    Just parry with me
    Come on, let me see ya just sidestep with me
    Just sidestep with me (sidestep)
    Just sidestep with me (sidestep)
    Come on, let me see ya take a walk with me
    Just walk with me (Walk with me)
    Take a walk with me
    Come on and make your neck work
    Now thrust! (Ohh)

    Here come the Men in black, Men in black
    Society defenders (Oho oho oho)
    Here come the Men in black, Men in black
    They make sure you remember (make sure you remember)

THE ICONOGRAPHY OF RAPIER SAINTS

NOTE: This is a summary of a doctoral thesis on the saints of SCAdian rapier. I’ll publish the full dissertation, all 478 pages of it, once I find a university that awards degrees in bullshit…anachronistic research.

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THE ICONOGRAPHY OF RAPIER SAINTS

SAINT — FEAST DATE — ATTRIBUTES — LEGEND

    Codswallop – Feb. 24 – sword (and others) – patron of fencing instructors

    "Light!"
    “Light!”
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    Polyandra – Feb. 25 – men in uncomfortable positions – patron of honorable conduct
    "Now cough."
    “Now cough.”
    _____________________________________________________
    DeFenestra – Mar. 31 – window – patron of defense (hurled assailant out window)
    "Yeah. Right out that window there."
    “Yeah. Right out that window there.”
    ______________________________________________________________
    Claudemnestra – Apr. 24 – needle & thread – patron of armor makers
    "Come on, Barbie, let's sew arty."
    “Come on, Barbie/let’s sew arty.”
    ______________________________________________________
    Espee – Aug. 11 – wine bottle, cask, 6-pack – patron of the Academie (and drunkards)
    "Beer is proof of...wait, it'll come to me."
    “Beer is proof of…wait, it’ll come to me.”
    ______________________________________________________________
    Hagemor the Paltry – Oct. 22 – horned horn – patron of the confused (Viking who fought with tiny little sword)
    copyright pending
    copyright pending
    ___________________________________________________________
    Macarena – Dec. 2 – dancing woman – patron of footwork
    "y cosa buena"
    “y cosa buena”
    _______________________________________________________
    Urinalius Phlegmula – Dec. 8 – specimen bottle – patron of bodily fluids and Gatorade
    "Hydrate, varlet!"
    “Hydrate, varlet!”

    ___________________________________________________________

ASK MR. MARSHALPERSON

Hey, Boys ‘n Grrls! Remember waaaay back when marshals were, not only the best source, but the only source of information about rapier fighting? Sure you do! Well, because marshals were thin on the ground in some areas back then, there was an actual advise column where curious fighters could get their questions answered in no time at all, if by which you mean weeks. I present one of the more memorable columns from the esteemed Mr. Marshalperson.

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ASK MR. MARSHALPERSON
by Count Lawdy ms Claudi, KRMIC d’Frogge

Dear Mr. Marshalperson:
I’m interested in getting started in rapier. How do I begin?
Inquiring in Isenfir

Dear Inquiring:
There’s no secret to excelling in rapier. Just follow three basic steps:
1. Rent the following movies: The Princess Bride, The Three Musketeers (1974), The Four Musketeers, The Man in the Iron Mask, Blackadder II, and The Duellists.
2. Memorize all the dialogue.
3. Get some really spiff clothes (see next letter).
That’s it. You are ready to hit the list field.

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Dear Mr. Person:
I got your recommended movies. Where can I get great clothes like those guys?
Stymied in Storvik

Dear Stymied:
Congratulations! You have reached the first pinnacle of rapier fighting — the recognition that nothing is more important than your wardrobe. Now, where to get one. There are many
opportunities to pick up great period-looking duds. Try your nearest Ren Fair. These are wonderful places to acquire real period accessories, too. Second-hand fabric stores are good, if one’s in your area. Pay particular attention to the spandex/mylar/metallics section; lots of good finds there. Then just sew them up, and trim with lace.

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Dear Mr. Marshalperson:
My local marshal says I’m hitting too hard, but no one’s gone to the emergency room yet, so what’s the big deal, huh?
Confused in Caer Mear

Dear Confused:
Marshals are people, too, and can make mistakes just like everyone else. But it is possible you’re hitting too hard. To find out, take a simple test. Ask yourself these questions:
– do my opponents flinch every time I move?
– have I broken more than three blades this week?
– do they assign chiurgeons to my bouts?
– are heavy fighters telling me I’m “looking pretty good”?
If the answers to any of these are no, then you’re probably okay, and your marshal just needs retraining.

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Dear Marsha:
I was told my armor is insufficient, whatever that means. I told ’em to get stuffed and not even look at me. Damn Jerks.
Highly Pissed in Highland Foorde

Dear Pissed:
How dare they! No one should question your armor, particularly if it looks really cool. Unfortunately, there are those armor regulations, and they can be hard to understand, what with resistant-this and impenetrable-that. My advice is just tell them “it’s four layers” and let ’em eat cake.

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Dear Mr./Ms. Marshalperson:
I am constantly having my second intention attack in high inside defeated by either a replacement to the high outside, or a croise to the low ward. What am I doing wrong?
Kaput in Kappellenberg

Dear Ka-Ka:
Off hand, I’d say your clothes are not distracting enough, but I don’t have a clue. I’m a marshal, not some rapier-god. If you want stupid useless information like that, go ask a Provost.

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Dear Mr. Marshalperson:
I stand, vigilant, appraising my foe with, at once, disdain and concupiscence. He feints: a sloven drollery of movement. I am serene. He stumbles into a remise, unaware of the menace. I castigate him with an expulsion, deftly avoid his mindless reposte, and overwhelm his parry quinte with a derobement. I am victorious. All is silence.
Cathartic in Cathanar

Dear Cath-ode:
What in the hell are you talking about? This column is for important marshal issues: garb, snappy patter, how to look good. You have obviously wandered in here by mistake, and should be over yonder with the Laurels or something. Don’t go gettin’ all sentimental about this, now. Just remember: in rapier fighting, as in life, it’s better to look good, than to fight good.

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WHAT THE HELL IS A PROVOST?

[Historical Note: Back in Ansteorra, at the misty dawn of the White Scarf, there were numerous how-to papers published about rapier fighting. At a time when no kingdoms had organized programs, teachers were few and far between, and no one had translated period manuals into modern English, fighters relied on these written instructions to help them figure out how this new-fangled martial art was supposed to work.

Among the writings about technique were some that talked about different aspects of rapier — honor and courtesy, dedication to kingdom and Queen, all of the non-fighting traits that rapier has come to be renowned for. One paper stood out. “What is a Don”, compiled by Master Robin of Gilwell, was a collection of sayings and quotations, collected from sources both ancient and modern. Much of what the Anstreorran rapier community became can be traced to the precepts found in this work.

Given the involvement of so many Ansteorrans in Atlantia’s early rapier program, “What is a Don” made its way here, where I found it. As we use the title “Provost” rather than “Don”, I decided that Atlantia needed its own version. I present for your enjoyment “What the Hell is a Provost?”.]

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WHAT THE HELL IS A PROVOST?
compiled by Master Robert Bedingfield, Provost
(with apologies to Master Robin of Gilwell)

PROVOST? WHAT THE HELL IS A PROVOST?

He is the nastiest little man I’ve ever known. He struts along sitting down.
Mrs. Clarence Dykstra

He is a man of his most recent word.
William F. Buckley, Jr.

You can tell a Provost, but you can’t tell him much.
Anonymous

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Winston Churchill

The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
George Bernard Shaw

Hey, who invited this guy? Look at him, drinking all the beer, eating the dip with his fingers. He even tried to start a fight with the Prince. What a jerk!
The Lost Books of the Courtier
Baldesar Castiglione, Jr.

I did think thee, for two ordinaries, to be a pretty wise fellow . . . Yet the scarfs and bannerets about thee did manifoldly dissuade me from believing thee a vessel of too great a burden.
Lafeu
All’s Well That Ends Well
William Shakespeare

An enchanting toad of a man.
Helen Hayes

Thou eunuch of language; thou pimp of gender, murderous accoucheur of infant learning, thou pickle-herring in the puppet show nonsense.
Robert Burns

What he lacks in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.
Anonymous

Son: Dad, when I grow up, I want to be a Provost!
Dad: I’m sorry, son: you can’t have it both ways.

WHAT IS HE, A LEADER? FUGEDDABOUDIT!

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.
Plato

I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace; that two are called a law firm; and that three, or more, become a Congress.
John Adams
1776
Peter Stone

Follow him? What are you, nuts? I wouldn’t follow him to a free beer bash in a brothel!
The Lost Books of the Courtier
Baldesar Castiglione, Jr.

A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are taken and quietly strangled.
Baron Gerlach Weisengrund, AdE

The cream rises to the top; so does the scum.
Wellington’s Law of Command

Your Majesty, there’s no “Queen” in “team”.
Mistress Isobel Bedingfield, AdE, Queen’s Champion
(advising Her Majesty Mary Grace on rapier melee tactics)

A TEACHER? WHADDAYOU, KIDDIN’ ME?

Teachers are overworked and underpaid. True, it is an exacting and exhausting business, this damming up the flood of human potentialities.
George B. Leonard

Education is the inculcation of the incomprehensible into the indifferent by the incompetent.
John Maynard Keynes

His understanding of this subject runs the gamut from A to B.
Anonymous

You don’t have to think too hard when you talk to a teacher.
Alexander Pope

He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches.
George Bernard Shaw

Enthusiastic newbie: Look, my lord, I made it. It’s medieval.
Wise old-timer: Don’t underestimate yourself, kid. That’s not mid-evil, that’s completely evil.

SOME KINDA LOVER?

I like you, Bob; you’ve got balls!
Lord Percy
Blackadder II

But she’s a sweet and innocent reverend’s daughter; and you’re the Devil’s cabana boy.
Lisa Simpson

She’s got a tongue like an electric eel, and she likes the taste of a man’s tonsils.
Lord Flashart
Blackadder II

But that I shall hang my bugle in an invisible baldrick, all women shall pardon me.
Benedick
Much Ado About Nothing
William Shakespeare

SOME KINDA GOURMET?

One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes a man mistake words for thought.
Samuel Johnson

If the soup had been as hot as the wine, if the wine had been as old as the bird, and if the bird’s breasts had been as full as the waitress’s, it would have been a very fine feast.
Anonymous

That’s not food, that’s what food eats.
Baron Gerlach Wisengrund, AdE

Yeah, we want real food, something that had a face.
Master Giacomo di Vincenti, AdE

Yeah, you know, something that had parents.
Master Geoffrey Gamble, AdE

Sakanjibin? Who the hell brought that shit? Why do we put up with this clown, anyway?
The Lost Books of the Courtier
Baldesar Castiglione, Jr.

I would give a peck of malt to my mare and she would piss as good beer as Dickes doth brew.
Fenne
Dickes v Fenne
King’s Bench, Michaelmas Term (1640)

Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
Anonymous

Porthos: Champagne?
Athos: We’re in the middle of a chase, Porthos.
Porthos: You’re right; something red.
The Three Musketeers
The Movie (1993)

Though I go bare/take you no care/For I am never cold.
I stuff my skin/so well within/With jolly good ale and old!
Jolly Good Ale And Old
Gammer Gurton’s Needle (1575)

Well, yeah, I want some Cheesy-Poof’s!
Eric Cartman
South Park

WHAT, SOME KINDA PHILOSOPHER?

Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn!
Prof. Henry Higgins
My Fair Lady
Stephen Soundheim

Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap!
Homer J. Simpson

Baldric, to you the Renaissance was something that happened to other people.
Edmund Blackadder
Blackadder II

Look, he’s winding up the watch of his wit; by and by, it will strike.
Sebastian
The Tempest
William Shakespeare

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
Anonymous

So, Melcior, still worshiping God? Last I heard, He was worshiping me! Woof!
Lord Flashart
Blackadder II

Timmah!
Timmah
South Park

I hate cannonballs!
Porthos
The Three Musketeers
The Movie (1993)

Lord Sandwich: Mr. Wilkes, I don’t know whether you’ll die on the gallows or of the pox.
John Wilkes: That depends, my Lord, on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.

HOW ABOUT FIGHTING?

Anything worth fighting for, is worth fighting dirty for.
Anonymous

He said what? About me? I’ll kick his ass! He’ll wish he’d died of the plague! Tell him to bring that shit over here, I’ll fix him. Fucking jerk.
The Lost Books of the Courtier
Baldesar Castiglione, Jr.

It’s clobberin’ time!
The Thing

Bad blade. No use.
Master Giacomo di Vincenti, AdE

Sandis! Do you call one of the cleverest thrusts in Gascony a crime?
Marquis de la Donze
(asked upon the gallows if he repented
for killing his brother-in-law in a duel)

Disdain the boogerheads!
Earl Dafydd ap Gwystl, KSCA, OL, OP

I’m gonna get medieval on yo’ ass.
Marsellus Wallace
Pulp Fiction
Quinton Tarantino

The fastest way to a man’s heart is through his chest.
Roseanne Arnold

There may be said to be three sorts of fighters: able, unable, and lamentable.
Anonymous

First know you to this weapon there belong no wards nor grips, but against such a one as is foolhardy and will suffer himself to have a full stab in the face or body to hazard the giving of another, then against him you may use your left hand in throwing him aside, or strike up his heels after you have stabbed him.
Bref Instructions
George Silver
on dagger-fighting

The Dread Pirate Roberts: I find that Thibault cancels out Cappa Ferro. Don’t you?
Inigo Montoya: Unless the enemy hasa studied his Agrippa. Which I have.
The Princess Bride
William Goldman

Ye shall make shor that the scholer be a capable fighter withal, and bee not like to bring the hoots & guffaws of the populess uppon this noble Guild, being a great clwnsy booby who cuts down trees with his blade in going from prime to second, or one whose every thrust would peen a rivit at a singl shone, nor yett a diffident, lanquorous fighter who careth not if hee win or loose, so long as he looketh well.
ye Olde Guilde of Duellists and Mayhem Hatcherie bylaws (c.1593¾)
by G. Gamble & A. Gravesend, provosts

The pointy end goes into the other man.
Alejandro Murrieta
The Mask of Zorro

OKAY, BUT HE’S AT LEAST AN HONORABLE FIGHTER, RIGHT? RIGHT?

Light to the eyeball.
Anonymous Fighter

I felt it, but there was no bend.
Anonymous Fighter

That would have landed, if you hadn’t parried it.
Anonymous Scholar

Glanced off my chest!
Anonymous Free Scholar

Deflected by my scarf!
Anonymous Gold Scarf

Deflected by my ego!
Anonymous Provost

Good, but I’m not taking it!
Anonymous former Principal

Light!
Eponymous Light Fighter

OH, SO WHAT IS HE, SOME KINDA MUSKETEER? PUHLEESE!

I save my right hand for my drinking.
Athos
The Three Musketeers
The Movie (1948)

I’ve washed a horse’s leg before. With a horse’s leg, you start at the top.
D’Artanian
The Three Musketeers
The Movie (1974)

God, I love my work.
Porthos
The Three Musketeers
The Movie (1993)

Sometimes, there are more important things in life than a good pair of tits.
Aramis
The Man in the Iron Mask
The Movie (1998)

PROVOSTS? — LOOK LIKE PSYCHOS TO ME

They look like psychos, is that what they looked like? They were vampires. Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them, I don’t give a fuck how crazy they are.
Seth Gecko
From Dusk til Dawn
Quinton Tarantino

SOUNDS COOLS. WHERE DO I JOIN UP?

I don’t wish to belong to any club that would want me as a member.
Groucho Marx

THE PROVOSTS

[Historical Note: This was written in 1994, and the details of those Provosts named may have changed. Deal.]

(The first ten stanzas of this were written for an A&S competition for limericks at the Second Academie of the Rapier, and were presented in Court by request of Their Majesties, Thorbrandr and Eorran.  Upon completion, His Majesty advised that I was short one verse, at which time I read the 11th verse that I had cunningly already prepared.  It was thus that Lord Duncan’s elevation as the 10th Provost was announced.)

THE PROVOSTS

by Robert Bedingfield

  1. Master Geoffrey with confidence to the list field does amble.

In short work he leaves his foes in a shamble.

Victories he’ll compile,

In fine Elizabethan style.

All praise to our most Ancient Gamble.

 

  1. Giacomo di Vincenti, the most Honorable Lord,

His manners and demeanor are always above board.

Cross not blades with this villain,

Or ‘e’ll commence wit’ the killin’,

And flay you with dagger and sword.

 

  1. Gregoire de Conteville, champion of fence,

With buckler and sword, he hies his foes hence.

From high guard or low,

He lands one mortal blow.

Bet not against him if you value your pence.

 

  1. Sing praises now, in sweet high contralto

For Baron Niall McKennett, summa cum exalto.

His foes he does rout.

(He even fights with a trout!)

Another fine product of Ponte Alto.

 

  1. Lord Roibin, famed of Nottinghill Coill,

Defeats all his enemies with epee and foil.

Retreat or advance,

Not one stands a chance,

‘Cept to spill their blood on the soil.

 

  1. Fair Baroness Ceridwen of Windmasters Hill,

A lady well renowned for her rapier skill.

With draw cut and thrust,

Her foe’s left in the dust.

The crowd, her swashbuckling doth thrill.

 

  1. Padraig Muadhan, with sword florentine,

Fights for honor and glory, for Kingdom and Queen.

In this rhyme iambic,

I praise, not his lambic,

But rather his rapiers keen.

 

  1. Behold Baron Gerlach Weisengrund,

With honors and glories, he has been festooned.

His enemies’ fate sealed,

By the blades he does wield,

Their limbs all about him lay strewn’d.

 

  1. Lord Alan Gravesend fights with style and grace.

Foes tremble when he offers to duel them in case.

No Atlantian dainty,

(Tho’ he’s dressed well, ain’t he?),

His blades dancing at a furious pace.

 

  1. All these wear the gold scarf of rapier Provost.

Of their skill and honor, all Atlantians may boast.

So I say charge your glass,

Let this moment not pass,

And to them let us all drink a toast.

 

  1. At their Majesties’ behest, an elevation ensued.

An honor (but I think the fellow’s been screwed).

And on the morrow, at dawn,

He’ll take all comers on.

Lord Duncan McGregor, newest of our Provost brood.